


Happier

by Katsu_oh_hot_damn



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Almost No Dialogue, Angst, Pre-Kerberos Mission, Shadam, Songfic, adashi, aka the most pre-kerb adashi song I've ever heard in my life, did i mention there's angst? there's angst., enjoy shiros head. its fun., mentions of shiro's disease, references to s2e1 "Across the Universe" (Also have to squint), set to "Happier" by Bastille, slight references to s8 (you have to squint to see it)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-25 21:15:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17128874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katsu_oh_hot_damn/pseuds/Katsu_oh_hot_damn
Summary: Lately, I've been, I've been thinkingI want you to be happier, I want you to be happierShiro's best and worst day was the day he officially accepted his position on the Kerberos mission and the day that Adam decided that he was finally done.Song-fic to "Happier" by Bastille.





	Happier

**Author's Note:**

> Are song-fics even a thing anymore? Literally, the last time I wrote one was to a country song for Rurouni Kenshin when I was 12. So. It's been a hot minute. 
> 
> This is the only Adashi thing I will ever write. I can accept and respect that it is canon for pre-Kerberos, but otherwise, this really isn't my ship. 
> 
> This idea has been in my head for WEEKS. School made it impossible to get it out and I finally had a chance tonight! Fair warning, don't watch the music video for this song. It will rip your heart out especially if you love dogs. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**_Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been thinking..._ **

 

It wasn’t really a surprise?

 

This wasn’t their first fall out, but this also wasn’t Shiro’s first trip to deep space.

He hadn’t gone out this far before, but it’s not like he had never seen the universe past the moon. His eyes had been set to the deepest reaches of space as long as he could remember.

A sigh left his lips as he heard the door slam closed behind him. This was supposed to be his moment. The thing that he had been waiting for his entire life. 

His last chance to touch the stars before it was all over. 

Shiro groaned as he buried his head in his hands, wanting to scream his frustrations out. He knew without fail that when he went back to his room tonight all of Adam’s things would be gone, and everything that he had stashed in Adam’s would be sitting in a box on his desk.

 

That made him think about the other box that was sitting in his top drawer.

 

But then again, why did he even think Adam would say yes? It was only a matter of time before he became someone who would require constant care given how his body had to betray him. Adam already walked on eggshells around him where his disease was concerned – it would only get worse from there.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed by the time he finally had the energy to get back up once his muscles were once again shocked back into working for a few more hours. He considered stopping by to tell Keith that he had accepted the position despite all of Admiral Sanda’s protests and it was official thanks to Sam’s refusal to go otherwise, but he wasn’t ready to smile just yet. A quick glance to the clock told him he had about an hour before lights out was called. He didn’t even stop at his room, walking the long way around just to avoid passing Adam’s door, which was right across the hall from his own. There wasn’t enough energy or confidence in the world that would let him go near that right now. The words hadn’t been spoken but they both knew where they were. They both knew what Shiro would do, that he would ultimately make the decision, that he ultimately had made the decision in choosing the stars over his heart.

Fortunately, the hangar was empty of everyone but the overnight support staff as he walked to his hoverbike, his hands still slightly shaking. The emotions were starting to come in waves now and he kept begging himself to just keep it under control until he got out far enough that the Garrison didn’t exist. No one looked twice as the bike started up, sometimes being the Garrison golden boy had its benefits, somehow curfews just didn’t apply to him. He also rarely broke them, he was a dedicated student turned recruit turned teacher after all, so one or two hiccups wasn’t a big deal. It also let him help others, or, specifically one other person, when issues arose.

As he pulled out of the hangar and felt the rumble of an engine dying to go top speed under him, he thought about how happy Keith would probably be when he heard. If he had a chance to choose anyone to go with him, it would be Keith in a heartbeat – no one had matched his skill set yet. The thought of Keith left as soon as it came, his mind bringing back the real reason he was running away from the Garrison for that night.

This was better for Adam anyway. Shiro started to tell himself this, regardless of if he actually believed it. He would be happier this way; he wouldn’t be burdened by Shiro. He wouldn’t be constantly left behind as his boyfriend kept reaching for as many stars as he could hold in his bare hands. For a moment, Shiro’s heart broke a bit for Colleen Holt, but it also wasn’t the first time that Sam had gone into deep space either. And there was no way it would be his last unless maybe they got abducted by aliens or something, but that was a childish thought. The Holt’s had somehow become a second family to him over the past few years, and he was at least glad he could spend his last time among the stars with the closest thing to family he had.

The stars were high in the sky when he finally pulled off the dirt path he had been following, the hoverbike groaning as the engine was cut off. Shiro sighed for the millionth time that day as he took his goggles off, running his hand through his hair. He was winded, exhausted, but from what? Why was he going so far into space when his body could barely handle going just miles down the desert from the Garrison. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea after all. Maybe he shouldn’t be catapulting himself all the way out to Kerberos. Maybe there was someone else who would be better for the job, he was sure the Holt’s would understand.

As the chill of the night washed over him, he sat down against his bike, closing his eyes, letting the guilt and grief wash over him.

 

**_When the morning comes_ **

**_When we see what we've become_ **

**_In the cold light of day, we're a flame in the wind_ **

**_Not the fire that we've begun_ **

**_Every argument, every word we can't take back_ **

**_Cause with all that has happened_ **

**_I think that we both know the way that this story ends_ **

Sleeping half against the hoverbike and half against the desert floor hadn’t exactly been his plan. He groaned as he sat up, rolling his neck and administering his missed dose. He closed his eyes again and counted his breaths as he waited for the stimulation to do its magic so he could once again function for a few hours. The minutes it took gave himself time to think. There really was no future for Adam and himself, he was pretty certain of that. They were fragile, they were toxic, this wasn’t the first time they had argued, it had been growing for a while.

He had kept the box hidden in his top drawer for a while now, he had been planning to bring it out into the light first before their 2nd anniversary, but there was an argument on what was supposed to be a perfect night. The tension just somehow continued from there. Shiro spent more time in the simulators trying to get his body to withstand what it would take to get to Kerberos. Adam had thrown himself more and more into his research, something about the impact of deep space travel on the human psyche. He never should have dated a psychology major.

Muscles freshly stimulated, he once again started up his hoverbike. Before tugging his goggles on, he chanced a look at his datapad, somehow hoping that there was a message from Adam. A small glimmer of hope filled his heart as he saw the new message indicator.

 

_02:28_  
_From: Keith_  
_Can you beg Iverson for a new roommate for me?  
_ _Sorry, can’t sleep._

_03:46_  
_From: Keith_  
_This Curtis kid._  
_Is._  
_So._  
_Annoying.  
_ _I feel bad for whoever ends up marrying him._

_05:57_  
_From: Keith  
_ _Rumor has it you’re going to Kerberos? That’s awesome. Let me know when you’re back._

_05:59_  
_From: Matt, scientist extraordinaire, the best in the universe_ (One guess who put that name in)  
_I s2g I will eat all the mac and cheese in the commissary if you do not open your door._

_08:17_  
_From: Matt, scientist extraordinaire, the best in the universe  
_ _Btw dad wants you to come over tonight for dinner, lmk when you’re alive if we should have mom set a place for you? Katie says hi!_

Shiro wasn’t ready for this. He wasn’t ready to think about anything really. He checked his inbox a second time, looking to see if maybe he overlooked something. He clicked on the folder that had all of his messages with Adam.

 

_12:42_  
_To: Adam  
_ _Hey babe, meet me in the lounge at 13:00? I got an update!_

_13:47_  
_From: Adam  
_ _K._

The urge to throw his data pad was insane as he turns the display off and shoves it in his pocket, revving the engine and heading back towards the Garrison.

 

**_Then only for a minute_ **

**_I want to change my mind_ **

**_Cause this just don't feel right to me_ **

**_I wanna raise your spirits_ **

**_I want to see you smile but_ **

**_Know that means I'll have to leave_ **

****

**_Know that means I'll have to leave_ **

**_Lately, I've been, I've been thinking_ **

**_I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier_ **

 

As he flies, his mind starts to wander once again. He knows their outcome, but why does it have to be that way? He had given up tempting fate many years ago, instead choosing to take every opportunity to live while he could. But why did this mean that someone that meant so much to him had to leave? People went into space all the time, people got sick all the time, and sometimes… people died in space. He wouldn’t be the first to come back as a memorial flag handed off to the closest living relative. They could still work out, it was possible, they had been through a lot, but could make it… couldn’t they?

When he got back to the Garrison, his assumption had been proven right. The box was sitting neatly on his desk, with the spare key card to his room sitting right on top. There was no note, no final declaration of love and admiration, not even his name on the box. He didn’t even look in the box to see what was there, not wanting to open that wound back up just yet. He put his datapad on the charger and dropped his bag on the bed before going to shower the desert off of him.

The conversation with Keith didn’t go exactly as planned either. That kid had always been full of surprises, finding out that he had eavesdropped on the initial conversation with Admiral Sanda was a shock. Having to explain everything about his disease and what this trip meant to him, and how it could be his last, was pretty draining. His dinner with the Holt’s had been less than good, he was mostly fake smiles and just enough talking to be deemed social. Fortunately, both Matt and Katie made up for his silence. That didn’t stop the knowing concerned looks from Colleen the whole evening though. Adam was a TA for Sam, so if anyone was going to know about their fallout, it would be this family before anyone else.

 

**_When the evening falls_ **

**_And I'm left there with my thoughts_ **

**_And the image of you being with someone else_ **

**_Well, it's eating me up inside_ **

**_But we ran our course, we pretended that we're okay_ **

**_Now if we jump together at least we can swim_ **

**_Far away from the wreck we made_ **

 

By the time he got back to his room that night, he didn’t even look at the box sitting on his desk. Or the fact that the door across the hall from him was wide open, the room completely empty, something that was only done when people changed rooms. He threw himself onto the bed, not bothering to crawl under the covers as he administered his nightly dose so his sleep paralysis didn’t come back. While he once again waited for his body to become useful again, his mind started to wander. He wondered what type of person Adam would be with, how they would look together, what their family would look like.

 

There’s no way an alien invasion would stop Adam from getting the life he deserved after all.

 

One of the few good things about preparing to catapult yourself farther than any human has been is the fact that you don’t get a lot of downtime. The months before the Kerberos mission were filled with the training of the mind and body. Adam’s research had proven that there was a potential correlation between memory loss and deep space travel, so much time was spent training the minds of the crew to stay sharp even during the few months long shuttle ride to the moon. It was estimated that they would be gone for just short of a year, it was 8 months’ roundtrip from Earth, to Kerberos, and back – and they would be spending about 6 weeks on the moon to learn about the foundation of the moon as well as the atmosphere, and potentially have a shot at being the first humans to land on Pluto of conditions allowed. In the time Shiro wasn’t working closely with the Holt’s or Garrison doctors for the upcoming mission, he was in the gym or sparring with Keith.

 

He snuck Keith out to the launch site just a few days before they left.

 

“Wow… Shiro this is amazing. You’ve worked so hard and you deserve this, to be one of the first humans to make it to the edge of our solar system. You’re such a show-off.” Keith grinned as he nudged Shiro with his elbow. “But seriously, you’ll do great, I can’t wait to hear all of your stories when you come back.” There was something in Keith’s smile that he couldn’t quite put his finger on. It was one of adoration, and something else.

Shiro smiled back at him as he put his hand on Keith’s shoulder, where it somehow seemed to live some days. The touch grounded his racing mind for just a few moments as he looked back up to the shuttle that he would be spending almost the next year in with his best friend and his father. It at least would be a good way to go, to be surrounded by people he loved. It was a shame Keith wouldn’t be there though, he felt guilty that he may never see the young pilot again.

“Keith...” His voice was a whisper at first, “If I don’t make it back, I want you to keep going… you’ve got it in you to be the leader of your own crew…”

“Stop talking like that, you’re going to make it back.”

A sad smile played across Shiro’s lips as he looked back up, shielding his eyes from the bright sun.

 

The next day started the required quarantine period to ensure that their bodies were in tip-top shape and that there were no possible diseases or ailments that would be brought into deep space with them, other than Shiro’s own. 

The night before launch, Shiro couldn’t sleep. It had been 6 months now since he had last spoken to Adam. Every time he tried to compose a message, it was deleted within seconds, his head hung in defeat. They rarely passed each other in the hallways thanks to Adam moving to the other side of the housing section of the Garrison. Shiro was off teaching duty while he prepared for his mission so his chances of ever seeing his now ex-boyfriend were slim to none. He had never opened the box on his desk or even moved it for that matter. It remained there to sit and collect dust while he was gone. The other box was still sitting in the top drawer, maybe he would be able to give it to someone else when he came back. Or maybe he would pawn it off to pay for his medical bills. 

He had heard whispers that Adam didn’t seem to be that affected by the breakup, at least he wasn’t letting anyone see it. He had continued with his own research as well as his teaching duties in Sam’s absence. It somehow felt like their 2 years together had just completely disappeared in the blink of an eye, and Adam had completely moved on while Shiro was still trying to pick up the pieces of his heart. The first few weeks of training for the mission had been horrible as he was trying to draw himself out of the depression he had thrown himself into. The lonely nights had really started to get to him. Whispers of antidepressants as well as how effective they would be in deep space surrounded him as he struggled to pull himself up on his own. They had fixed Matt’s eyes; why couldn’t they fix Shiro’s heart?

 

**_Lately, I've been, I've been thinking_ **

**_I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier_ **

 

Running on some kind of energizing supplement and maybe 5 minutes of rest, Shiro found himself standing with the shuttle to his back, his arms around his flight crew as the flashes from the cameras blinded them more than the mid-day sun.

He swore that he saw a glimpse of Adam in the crowd, but once his eyes adjusted to the light, he was gone. He had done his best to put the breakup behind him, he really had. Matt and Sam were well aware of what had happened at this point, there was no use in hiding something that was affecting his mental state at times. They knew and understood, taking time to talk with Shiro and reassure him that life would be okay, that he would be ok.

As they walked the catwalk towards the shuttle, Shiro took one last glimpse into the crowd, his eyes landing on Keith’s face again, a rare grin was plastered on the young cadets face. A soft laugh left Shiro’s lips as he gave Keith a wild grin back with a thumbs up. He enjoyed the minute before Matt nudged him to keep going, they did have a schedule to keep up. The desert launch site hadn’t seen rain in months, but it would be their luck that there was a chance today.

Once they were settled into their seats, Shiro administered his very last dose of muscle stimulants. They hadn’t been able to cure him in any way but had deemed that he would be able to survive for a year without it as long as he stuck to the strict regimen they had set up for him. The Garrison doctors also gave him a pill version of some kind of stimulant that would withstand the pressures and temperatures forced upon it in deep space should he run into any issues. He was assured that his disease would not stop the success of the mission.

“Any last words from our great space explorers?” Admiral Sanda’s voice was clear in their comms as they finished up the last pre-launch checks. 

Shiro closed his eyes as he listened to Sam give some small speech about not worrying about what could go wrong, how you could miss the chance to do something great. His shoulders shook with a small laugh as Matt gave some kind of pop culture reference, something from an old sci-fi show.

Then it was his turn. He never really thought about what he would say. They knew they would get this chance just before launch, but he hadn’t practiced anything. There were only two people that he had watching that shuttle, and he only knew that one of them was there for sure. When he had been approached about this moment, he had asked that his last words not be shared with the public, but only with one person.

 

“Desk, top drawer.”

 

He saw Matt wince out of the corner of his eye as the words fell out of his mouth, they all knew that the engagement ring was still sitting in his desk after all this time. There had been a few efforts to get it out of there, but Shiro insisted on holding onto it, muttering excuses on how he could still give it to someone else, sell it for cash when they came back. He took a deep breath as he tuned out Admiral Sanda’s parting words, focusing on the last minute pre-checks and starting the engines up to prepare for launch.

 Maybe, maybe they would be able to fix things when he came back. If he came back. Maybe by then, Adam would find happiness in the arms of someone else. Maybe there would be no Earth to return to, who knows.

The final seconds of the countdown were echoing as he tightened his grips on the controls, these moments were pivotal as the main pilot of the mission. He couldn’t allow his mind to wander to who he was leaving behind, and the shattered heart that was still laying on the teachers’ lounge floor. 

He let out a deep breath as the roaring of the engines became louder than anything he had ever heard, the noise always caught him off guard. As the rocket boosters started to lift the shuttle from the launch pad and he was working quickly to make sure everything was functioning correctly, he glanced one last look at the small monitor showing the camera feed from one of the lower rocket boosters that still gave a clear view of the crowd waving to them.

 

He wasn’t there.

 

**_So I'll go, I'll go_ **

**_I will go, go, go…_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on Twitter @keef_n_beef (formerly @paladin_02)


End file.
